i made a tumblr a few months ago but never really got around to accepting it and posting on it. i guess i'm going to change that. i'm not abandoning livejournal forever.

nilanda.tumblr.com

time has been getting the best of me. it feels like i'm losing myself.

 i noticed i have not finished my ATL story, and i dont think i plan to? i'm way too lazy. haha. 
happy halloween!



ps. i'm thinking of switching from lj to tumblr? i dont really understand how it works, but i think i want one.

so friday was the glamour kills tour featuring all time low, we the kings, hey monday & the friday night boys. i had such a good time there. basically here was my amazing day.

at about 2:15 i went to nicole's house, and she was getting ready with ashley. Things were pretty hectic, a lot of last minute rushing etc.
we got to lupo's at about 3:15. There was already a short line of people waiting at the door. after waiting for like 20-30 minutes all the winners/guests of the 92 pro fm contest were invited inside. there we waited for what seemed like forever. in the mean time i met a whole bunch of new people, including nicole's friend camilla and her cousin gabby. i was so excited that there were only 12, (13 including gabby) of us. the less people the better. we'd be the only ones for the band to pay attention to haha.
so we were all waiting on the couch and some guy walked out and talked to a couple of older girls and the 92 pro fm people but i didn't get to see his face clearly. i wasn't sure but i thought it was matt, all time low's tour manager, whom i adore. a couple of the other girls wondered who it was, thinking it might have been danny k, one of all time low's tech guys. some girls repeated the names "danny" and "matt" loudly hoping for a reaction/response but none came.
i decided to stand by myself against the wall, hoping to catch a glimpse at the guy's face. he turned around to walk back into the bar/stage area and it was indeed matt. so i very cool and nonchalantly said, "hi matt." yes, i'm very suave. anyway, matt looked at me and said hello, then carried on. it was very exciting. the rest of the girl's didn't realize that i said hello to him until he walked back in and i said that it WAS matt.
a couple minutes later he came out again. i noticed but i dont believe anyone else did. someone asked about me saying hello to him and i said, "he's right there," and tried to point without actually pointing. That got all the girls' interest. they looked at him, a few girls in disbelief, saying things like, "is it really him?" "that's matt?" "wow it is!" (after they saw the name tag on his walkie/pants) i didn't say anything to him and he walked back inside the stage area. some of the girls wondered why i didn't say anything, and i didn't say anything because everyone drew so much attention to him. that's just awkward. i didn't want to be a part of that.

it's 12:08 a.m and i need to go to bed. i will finish this tomorrow (possibly, maybe, who knows).

this is a reminder to myself to at sometime post about the glamour kills concert & meeting all time low on friday. it was awesome. :)

i am way too stressed out. there are so many things going on and things i have to do for school. seriously. i just need room and time to breathe and i haven't gotten it yet. it fucking sucks. i just want to break down every damn day. i'll probably collapse any day now. i'm just trying to make it out alive, and i'm just waiting for the day where my buttons are pushed and i flip out on someone. shit needs to end now.

i get to meet all time low tomorrow. fuck everything else.

 october is seriously flying by. so many things have/will happen. it started with the concerts: senses fail/a skylit drive & a rocket to the moon/the summer set. (october 2 &4) monday (oct 5) i got my wisdom teeth out, and battle of the classes names were drawn on wednesday (i made the team!). it's already columbus day weekend. i have a shitload of homework & a project to do, and i have a BOC practice monday. homecoming is quickly approaching which means float is getting intense this week with a longer meeting monday. BOC is tuesday, and the week goes by. on friday i'm going to the glamour kills concert (all time low, we the kings, friday night boys, hey monday) and most importantly... I AM MEETING ALL TIME LOW. <3333 my friend ashley won tickets via the radio then two days later my friend nicole won, which means i get to go with them for sound check & meet/greet. i'm really excited. i planned on staying after the show to meet them anyway, but now i am guaranteed that i'll meet them. so stoked, beyond belief. then on saturday (oct.17) there's a 6hr float meeting at stephen's, and there's a college fair at RIC. i know i'm on the fence with college, but i still think the college fair would be a good idea to check out. and after this week.. homecoming & halloween, then the end of the first quarter approaches. crazy ish mannn.


we may never be as young and alive as we are today. let's make this right.
you've never seen this north east snow, take a shot of whiskey, it'll keep you from the cold, & sit by the fire with me

 sometimes i think time is moving by too fast. next year may come before i'm ready, before everything falls into place, before i've got everything in check. time might be moving faster than i am.

i went to three shows last week. it was a good week. i saw a band called small talk, they're really nice, & i like their music. i actually saw them on sunday too. i wanted to talk to them after the arttm show, but i they left early. i saw senses fail & a skylit drive on friday. good shit man. it was intense. there were crowd surfers & moshers. i never really expected that intensity from lupos because it's pretty small, but hey, shit happens. on sunday i saw a rocket to the moon and it was amazing. i love them, i really do. a whole bunch of nick & andrew's friends/family were there to support them, which i thought was really nice. i talked to halvo and basically fell in love x 1000. seriously, he is awesome. i didn't get a picture with justin, but that doesn't matter because i absolutely adore him. everything he touches seriously turns to gold. i can't wait for new brighten. <3 a couple guys from ian walsh were really nice, they talked to fans and talked to me a lot. that's what i love about bands; when they'll go out of their way to talk to you for longer than necessary. as the venue cleared out i talked to stephen from the summer set for awhile and he was really chill. i found it pretty intense how he so nonchalantly mentioned 130 degree weather. arizona is intense. apparently it'd be about 70-80 degrees now? insaneeeee. that is beaching weather for us rhodies. i talked to arttm's merch guy ryan, and we talked about college. i honestly believe in what he said. he went to johnson&wales, and dropped out after 2 trimesters, and he's still paying them back. it isn't necessary to spend so much money to realize that college wasn't for him. i like that, because i dont know how i feel about college anymore, so why should i go to columbia or nyu? shouldn't i just save myself the money? he was a smart guy, or at least he allowed me to see things a little differently. basically, sunday was such a great night. i had a blast. i even met a couple of girls who were really nice, chelsea & sarah. i'll see chelsea next friday at all time low. in fact, i'm going to try x3456789435 to win meet/greet for all time low via the radio.

homecoming approaches.

i have things to talk about, but i dont have the time to write it all down. not yet. tomorrow maybe. even though i got my wisdom teeth out, last week was a pretty good week.

each day my desire gets stronger to go after a dream that means more than anything i thought i ever wanted. i don't know how or when it's going to happen, but i wanna get there. i just don't want to be alone in it. i'm hoping i find some other kids who want this too. i lost faith once before, and sometimes i'm scared that it'll happen again, but i can feel it this time. it's different. the music is stronger in me, it means so much more. it's like i've been cleansed of the petty desires i would have settled for with music, back into a place where i wouldn't give up for the world. "better music is giving me a purpose & we want this so bad"

i just lost a line i had saved for you. i've spent too much time on wondering what to do. but i'm done now, and it's no use.

you can't escape the present by hiding in the future of what could be, might be, may be. so stop running there's no where to go but straight into a whirlwind and make it out alive.

i can see myself falling. things are different. i've been distant, and i know it. i'm losing myself. i dont know exactly know what i'm getting myself into or the things i'm doing. i see myself falling apart, but i also believe that things will come together. i have to lose myself before i find myself. and i think i'm finally finding myself. for the past couple of years i've been so caught up in a life i thought i wanted. and the truth is, i dont know exactly what i want anymore. at the end of the day, i'm just a girl with a dream, with multiple dreams actually. and i don't want to dream anymore. i'm questioning everything i thought i knew. why does this shit even phase me?
i think i'm secure enough in my own mind to do what i want to do, but its everyone else that keeps my mind going in circles, which really fucking sucks. i shouldn't care what other people think. i know that, but unfortunately, it's true. apparently i do care, and i can admit that. i think people have some sort of notion / misconception of who i am, and i don't like it. it's hard to "suddenly" have a change of heart it's unexpected. 

music is and has always been my only constant.

i'm in a rut. i have my own personal conflicts that i need to deal with. i've realized that this is making me distance myself from things like student council and school work. i'm questioning everything, from myself, the future and to life itself. 
i'm a kid with a dream, and i don't want to dream anymore. it's time to make things happen and see where it takes me. Even if i crash and burn, maybe it'd be better for me.

smothered under the guilt.who knows what happens next.we're all going to hell if it exists.

 everything is a blur these days. i change my mind every day. the destination is usually the same. what happens/how i get there is always different. it is never certain. i never gave two shits about certain things, so why do i care now? and the things i thought i cared so much about, i'm fucking over it.

i've been busy lately, and i don't like it right now. i'm so unmotivated to do things. i can't decide if i want time to move faster or to slow down. i've realized that i'm a pretty negative person when it comes to the present, but when it comes to the future i'm quite positive. Or at least the lyrics i think of to describe how i feel always seem positive. sometimes i just want to leave this place & be different. befriend new kids, see where everything goes.


the days are slow but the hours are fast. trying to get to the otherside but there's always something in your way. there's no need to turn around. take a spin and keep going. let truth or chance take you where you need to go.


it's the greatest thing that's yet to have happened. imagine knowing me.
it's the greatest thing you'd ever imagined. but you'll never know until you're there.

 time is a funny thing. it moves too fast, it moves to slow. but you can't be mad at time. it can't control itself.

 i laugh at who i was back then because i see how stupid/immature/naive i was. but i smile because i know i was pretty happy (even amongst the petty middle school drama). i'm finding a piece of that happiness i had back then again. i accept it. i want it. but people believe they know what's best for me, where i should be, what i want, but that's a lie. i've talked myself into prioritizing things that aren't my priorities, at least not any more. i don't want anything for the sake of having it. but i don't think certain people will see it the way i do. they see the generic outline of life; the one i don't want. you think you know me, what i want to do, where i want to be. impossible, for even i don't have these answers. not exactly anyway. 

let it roll. don't overanalyze. let things happen as they may. what will be, will be. hold tight, and make it out alive.


so i guess i'm going. i don't know where i'll be, but to know is something i don't need.

& i'm procrastinating on homework on a virtually free night. (sigh) something better is coming.

 i like having a pen in my hand, but i dont always have anything to write. i like my pens black. it's simple and ordinary, so it takes something extraordinary to make it special. i believe i think too much. i let the lines circle in my head until they sound just right before the ink hits the page. i wish i didn't do that. just becuase i scribble something down doesn't mean it's permanent. i say that now, but why can't i put this statement into action?

i have many thoughts in my head. so i post. sometimes i know exactly what i mean, and at other times, i have no fucking clue at all.

i wish i wrote prettier words. something poetic and beautiful. but i guess i'm not that girl. not today anyway. the statements i make are vague. never too defining, but not too out there that even i don't understand them. i dont know if that makes sense anymore. 

there's got to be something bigger than all of this. promise me we can find it.

sometimes it's crazy to think and remember what I've once believed in when I put a date to it. 2004; 2005; 2006. they seem so long ago. has it really been 3-5 years? things were just so different then. this was the time where i breathed to discover new things and in return i found a huge part of who i am today. i was so much more alive and carefree. the possibilities were endless. there was something new to discover every day, and it feels like my soul suddenly opened up and became real. i was finally alive, and believed in something bigger than myself. i'm ashamed and saddened to say that i lost a lot of that fun free spirit part of myself, and unfortunately, i feel like it started mostly when i entered high school. half of my high school career has already passed by, and sure i had a good time, and made memories that any high school kid would want, but i feel like things are changing for the better. i'm back tracking a little. i've been reintroduced to the old things i loved, the things that made me believe in the impossible and the power and influence something inanimate could have over me, and i've discovered so much more. i've fallen back into happier days and me, alone as a person, in my own mindset, i'm so much better off, but i can see all the things i set up for myself headed for destruction, and i dont know how i feel about that.

i don't believe i have anything secure right now. i dont have anything tangable and stable ahead of myself anymore. i believe the original plan of 2004-2006 is and could be everything ive ever wanted. i could be happy and love life forever, making dreams come true, and hopefully changing lives. but the more recent plan was solid. it was solid underneath an invisible mist of uncertainty. & truth be told, i want to see that uncertainty and possibiltiy. i'm tired of other people and what they think i need / want. in all honesty, i dont always what i need / want, let alone anyone else. "i've been changing, you're still waiting on me."

sometimes i wish i didn't know as much as i did about certain things and people. shouldn't things be more simpler? music doesn't have eyes. not everything i read has to have an identity behind it. the thing about not knowing anything about the people who have created the beautiful things in my life is that sometimes you discover and hear things you wish you didn't. you still love unconditionally, but there's an ache in the heart. however, when you discover that they are as amazing as you hoped they'd be, they are everything to you. you love everything they create that much more because you know the people behind it are as amazing as what you hear/read. you feel like you know them and realize that hey, they're normal people, just like you, and they're doing something for the world. maybe they aren't establishing world peace, but the're helping you, and you can change. for the better.

i ramble on, and on, running my mouth, talking in circles. this is the madness that runs through the nerves and cells in my head. it's tangled in jumbles and no, you probably won't understand this, because i don't either. i can't decipher and analyze my own issues; the long lines of confusion and disorganized thoughts swirling around, but i needed to get this out there. if anyone reads it, if no one does. these things have to be said. or at least written down. for me. but sometimes i wonder if i look back on this one day, will i remember what i was thinking of?

EDIT: i didn't talk about my first week (3 days) of school. there isn't really much to say. i guess i'll make it through. everything's fine i guess. i'm just trying to get through this all alive and deal with everything as it comes. i'm going to put a conscious effort into stopping my procrastination. as i distance myself from everything and everyone, it becomes easier. but once again i feel the push/pull between something i feel like i should be doing and the things i want to do. Sometimes it just isn't enough."Force our smiles, baby , half dead, from comparing myself to everyone else around me."

 somehow i'm getting in the habbit of posting again? kcool. it's nice to just log on and post what i want to say. & it's also nice that i get to come back and laugh at what i've written. haha. anyways, concerts galore. there are so many upcoming concerts i want to go to ! i don't know if i'll make it to all of them but here is my list of ones i'd like to go to.

August 31 - (Club Hell) Hot Mess Across the U.S Tour - Cobra Starship / The Audition / The Friday Night Boys / DJ Skeet Skeet
Sept. 16 - (Club Hell) North Eastern Fall Tour - Automatic Loveletter / Craig Owens of Chiodos
Sept 22 - (Ryan Center @ URI) The Fray (idk who's opening)
Oct. 2 - (Lupos) One More Brick Tour - Senses Fail / A Skylit Drive / Closure in Moscow / FACT
Oct 4 - (Club Hell) North East Mini Tour ? - A Rocket to the Moon / The Summer Set / Vita / Ian Walsh
Oct 16 - (Lupos) Glamour Kills Tour - All Time Low / We The Kings / Hey Monday / Friday Night Boys
Nov. 27 or 28 (Showcase Live MA) Love Drunk Tour - Boys Like Girls / Cobra Starship / The Maine / A Rocket to the Moon / Versaemerge

That's it for now. I'll probably add more when i hear about them. hah.
Bold = definitely going / already have tickets. (Cobra & Fray)
Italics = Don't have tickets yet but will HIGHLY likely go / I NEED to go. :) (ATL / ARTTM)
- I won't be heartbroken if i dont see the one more brick tour, but i really like the bands and would like to go.
I REALLY want to go to the Love Drunk Tour. But i probably won't make it there. :(
I want to go mostly for the Maine because they are one of my favorite bands and i've never seen them live. 
At least i will have seen Cobra & hopefully ARTTM.
i like BLG but i'm not dying to see them. & i don't really care for versaemerge.

lalala. concerts galore. and to think i only started going to concerts this year?

*the summer is ending the way it began: rain. and i actually don't mind it.

i wish i had something better to say. something 1000 times more clever than anything you come up with. i'd love to crush you with my words. i'm not a master like you, but i'll say this: i've learned from the best. i'm working my way up to destruction through construction. the right letters in the perfect combination will have you on your knees, where you belong.